We Need to Talk – Planning to Help Our Older Parents
Family life is a series of ages and stages and as the years pass by there are many conversations that we work our way through. As a couple or family, we share information and make decisions together about important topics regarding our hopes and dreams for relationships, marriage, having, raising, and educating our children, careers, vacations, retirement, and the list goes on. At some point the kids are grown and on their way, our careers are well established, retirement is near or already here, and we might feel that we’ve covered it all.
Time to relax and enjoy? Well hopefully, but just as the empty nest appears, so does the realization that there is yet another series of conversations to be had. More and more often, there are suddenly decisions to be made about the eventual care for the older members of our families. As life expectancies increase so does the need to talk about what comes next. Recent studies show that nearly 30% of Americans provide some type of care or assistance to their parents. This assistance may be financial or hands-on care…or both.
Even as millions of families face this situation there is a reluctance to talk about it. The vast majority of adults have not had in-depth conversations with their parents about the plans, wishes, and available resources for their later years. It’s easy to put off these talks. No one enjoys bringing up old age, long term care and assistance needs, possible future illnesses and disability. It can be especially difficult to talk about finances and to determine if family members will need to pitch in to provide for a parent’s needs. Fear, pride, self-reliance, and life-long patterns get in the way and so we wait, and everything goes along fine… until it doesn’t! When health and capabilities begin to change, things can happen very quickly.
A well thought out meeting provides wonderful opportunities for your family to share, learn and unite everyone around goals to ensure the health, safety, and happiness of your loved ones. Having conversations with your spouse, children, and parents about issues that may or may not ever occur can provide peace of mind now and ease stress later should some of these issues come to pass.
Many times, there are multiple siblings or other family members involved which may lead to issues including differing levels of involvement, opinions on care needed, availability of time and resources, proximity to the parents and the list goes on. An ‘all hands on deck’ meeting is a great idea to ensure that wishes and needs are understood, and everyone is on the same page. So where to start? Approaching this like a business meeting can be very helpful. Start with preparation before the meeting – decide who will attend, share the responsibility of gathering important documents and financial information, develop an agenda and set a time, place, and length for the meeting. Some families use a meeting leader or facilitator to help organize and keep the meeting on track.
Here are some starter topics for your agenda:
Housing
How are current living arrangements working?
Possible future living arrangements
Legal
Confirm if there are estate planning and other legal documents such as Durable Powers of Attorney, Health Care Surrogate designation to identify and empower others to speak and act in financial and medical situations.
Finances
Is help needed now with check writing and bill pay?
Are funds sufficient for needs now and for possible expenses later?
Who has, or should have, access to financial information?
Help in the home
Family caregivers – who will do what and when?
Outside help – what resources are needed?
Too much? If all the above seems too heavy as a start, you may want to open-up with a simple conversation about gathering and organizing important documents. If that goes well, you could move into asking leading questions about some of these other topics.
Your overall goal is increased organization, agreement, and knowledge to improve the likelihood of peace and harmony as time goes on! Having to make decisions on the fly, during times of stress and high emotion can lead to less-than-optimal effects on finances, emotions, and relationships. So, if your family Needs to Talk, go ahead and start the conversation – this will be time well spent.
Laura K. Chiesman
Financial Advisor / Managing Director
CFP®, CDFA®